


He's not broken, just...

by psychicdreamsandangelwings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Acephobia, Asexual Character, Asexual Dan, Asexuality, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, But It Is There So I Figured I Should Tag It, Confused Dan, Dan Has Some Pretty Awesome Parents Tbh, F/M, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nothing Is Explicit When It Comes To Assault, Phil Makes Everything Clear, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 16:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5503961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychicdreamsandangelwings/pseuds/psychicdreamsandangelwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People have been telling him for years that he’s not broken, but it isn’t until Dan meets Phil that he starts to truly understand himself. He’s not broken, he’s just Dan.</p><p>Or the one where Dan is asexual and has a hard time understanding that until he meets Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I've written an RPF and I think it's probably a good idea for me to say outright that no, this is not at all what I figure their real lives are like. I know the timeline of events is a little off, for example Dan and Phil did meet before Dan went to University, but this works best for my fic. Also, all the people mentioned in this story, except for Dan and Phil of course, are entirely made up and if they were ever friends with anyone with similar names they have no relation to them whatsoever.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

Dan’s ten when he has his first "official kiss.” He’s in the basement at one of his friend’s house during a birthday party, they had just eaten cake and were now trying to come up with something fun to do. There’s ten people in the basement, five boys and five girls, and they’re currently all sat in a circle. They’re all people he’s known for years, some of his best friends, and the party’s been really fun so far. Timothy, the birthday boy, suggested they play spin the bottle and everyone had jumped on board pretty quickly. They’re all at that stage where they want to act like the older kids, Dan included, at their school and spin the bottle just sounds like the thing they’d be doing at their parties.

Dan’s never kissed anyone before, he’s willing to bet none of the people in the circle have, but they all act like this isn’t the first time because it makes them seem cooler. He’s seen people kiss, his parents aren’t afraid to kiss in front of him and he’s watched plenty of movies were kissing seems to be a frequent activity, but he's never actually kissed anyone on the lips. He doesn’t think it’ll be that hard, all he has to do is put his lips to the other person’s for a few seconds, so he isn’t that worried about it. How hard could it be?

Timothy, since it was his idea and he’s the birthday boy, goes first. He spins the empty bottle and everyone watches it go around for a few seconds before it lands on the girl sitting next to Dan, Aubrey. Everybody does that annoying cooing noise people are apparently supposed to do when something even remotely sexual happens as Timothy and Aubrey quickly press their lips together for a few seconds before they pull away, giggling. Everyone covers their mouths with their hands and laughs for a minute or so because they’re young and still think immaturely when it comes to kissing.

After everyone calms down and the embarrassment that Timothy and Aubrey had felt dissipates, the group decides that, to be fair, they’d take turns spinning the bottle going to the left so that everyone would have to kiss at least one person. The person to the left of Timothy is Anna, Dan’s best friend, and he secretly hopes the bottle doesn’t fall on him. The last thing he wants to do is mess up the relationship he has with her.

Sure enough though, Dan figures it’s probably because God hates him and needs entertainment by fixing the situation against him, the bottle stops directly on Dan. Suddenly, spin the bottle doesn’t sound like fun anymore. He doesn’t want to have to kiss anyone, he’s only ten and he’s still not entirely sure he’s even over the whole “girls have cooties” phase. It’s fun watching his friends awkwardly kiss each other but now, when he thinks of himself in that situation, he’s not sure he really wants to go through with this.

His friends do that awkward cooing thing again and Dan’s cheeks start to heat up as all eyes focus on him. He gauges his chances of getting people to believe that the bottle had actually fallen on Ruby, the girl sitting incredibly close to his right side, and quickly calculates that even if he were able to convince them they’d still probably make him kiss Anna. His friends are basically demon spawn who like making him feel as uncomfortable as possible, that's a fact.

He sighs and tries to hide the panic in his eyes, he doesn’t want Anna to think he’s repulsed by her or anything because he’s really not, as he moves towards the designated “kissing spot” in the middle of the circle. Dan doesn’t want to do this and tries to think of a way to maneuver himself out of the situation without being mortally embarrassed. He could fake a stomachache or say he thinks he’s getting sick, but they’d never believe him. It doesn’t take long for him to come to the realization that awkwardly kissing his best friend for two seconds will probably be better than the embarrassing teasing everyone will give him for weeks if he doesn’t go through with this – especially if everyone else in the room ends up kissing at least one person.

Anna makes her way towards him as well and stops in front of him. Dan swallows, trying to keep his focus on something a little less stressful. Once he gets close enough to Anna he can tell she’s also incredibly nervous, something that makes him feel twenty times better about what’s about to happen. They sit like that for a few seconds, staring awkwardly at each other as they try to decipher what they are even supposed to do, before Dan decides it’d be better if he just gets it all over with now. No use in prolonging the inevitable.

He’s not exactly sure what he’s supposed to do so he tries to reciprocate what he’s seen grown-ups and older kids do. He puts his hands on Anna’s shoulders, sweat starting to bead on his forehead, and smiles. He leans forwards, moving his mouth towards Anna’s, and promptly slams their noses together in a painful collision. The room erupts into laughter and Dan feels even more embarrassed, ducking his head to hide the red of his cheeks.

Anna, amazing friend that she is, makes the situation better. She gently lifts up his head and presses their lips together once more, making sure to bend her head slightly so their noses don’t slam against each other once again. The kiss only lasts for a few seconds; just a simple, closed-mouth, kiss. Dan’s not sure how he feels about their lips pressed against each other because, well, he doesn’t really feel anything. It just feels like a hug, really, that involves their lips instead of their arms, and it's boring. If this is what all kisses felt like Dan’ll never understand why grown-ups do it so much, it’s boring and not very pleasurable. He will say this though, Anna’s lips are soft and she smells nice.

After a few seconds the kiss ends and Dan retreats back to his place next to Ruby. What had just happened between Dan and Anna still causes everyone to laugh slightly, something that Dan is starting to get a bit annoyed about. He knows they’re just laughing at the situation, that they really aren’t trying to make fun of him, but that doesn’t completely stop the panic he starts to feel rising in him. He’s always been self-conscious and his friends’ laughing fits make him feel like he did something wrong.

Thankfully, the group finds something else to focus their laughter on when Johnathon’s bottle spin lands on Trevor. Though Dan’s never had any problems with gay people, he doesn’t think sexuality should matter as much as people say it should, there’s always going to be something funny about watching two of his friends kiss on the lips. Their lips brush against each other in a quick peck before they pull away and wipe at their mouths, the room dissolving into laughter that makes Dan’s anxiety melt away.

The rest of the game goes pretty smoothly, thankfully Dan only has to kiss Anna before the party is over, and soon enough him and his friend Bryan are walking home together. They only live a few blocks away from Timothy and it isn’t too late for them to be walking home by themselves. The two of them hadn’t even made it a block when Bryan starts to talk about the kiss he had shared with Shelby and the way it had made him feel. Instantly Dan feels self-conscious again, like something he did negatively influenced his reaction to kissing Anna, but he wants to fit in so he acts like he had had the same experience. He hadn't thought much about how the kiss made him feel, thinking he couldn't be the only one who felt like that, but if Bryan felt something when he kissed Shelby maybe his lips are broken?

“How was kissing Anna?” Bryan asks, looking over at Dan.

“Oh,” Dan says, struggling to find the words to say, “it was great, her lips were soft and she smelt really nice. Kissing is fun.”

“I get why all the older kids like kissing so much,” Bryan says with a smile, “it just feels… really nice.”

After that there isn’t any more talking about kissing, something that Dan is incredibly thankful for. Instead they stick to simple conversation, like who their favorite Pokémon is at the moment, until they’re forced to part ways at the end of the street. The second Bryan turns the corner Dan lets his face fall, the dejected feeling he has inside of him surfacing as doubts take place. If Bryan thought kissing was nice, then why didn’t Dan? Was there something wrong with him, or even worse, Anna? Why didn’t his lips work like Bryan’s did?

He can’t stop thinking about it the entire time he walks to his house, thoughts of him being broken going through his mind. His Mum’s in the living room, watching some movie Dan’s never seen before, when he walks through the door. She turns towards him to greet him and instantly notices that something is wrong. “What’s wrong?” she asks, pausing the movie before she makes her way towards him.

Dan’s not sure how much he should divulge to his mother, he thinks she’ll be okay with him playing spin the bottle but he honestly doesn’t know, and debates with himself for a few seconds. Finally he decides he needs to ask some questions and his mum is the only person he really wants to talk to right now, hopefully she won’t get too mad that he had played spin the bottle. “I-kissed-Anna-during-spin-the-bottle-and-I-didn’t-like-it-and-I-think-I'm-broken,” he exclaims, so quickly he’s not really sure if his mum had even picked up on what he had to say.

She takes a few seconds to process what he had just said before she jumps into action. “Oh honey,” she says, letting him burrow in her chest as he tries to shake the broken feelings he has. “You’re still young, just give yourself time to explore. Not everyone experiences pleasure from romantic actions at the same age, you’re just a late bloomer. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Really?” Dan asks, still slightly unconvinced.

“Really really,” she assures him.

Dan beams at his mother’s reassurance, everything inside of him beginning to feel more whole.

The next day at school Dan dreads seeing Anna, too afraid their interactions would be too awkward for them to handle and he’s going to lose his best friend. However, because Anna once again is the best friend anyone could ask for, she fixes it. When they meet up with each other at recess Anna tells him she didn’t really like the kiss and asks if they could just forget it had ever happened. Dan’s more than happy to oblige.

He’s not broken, just a late bloomer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


	2. Alex

Dan’s fifteen when his opinion on kissing changes. A boy in his class had asked him out, someone he’d always thought was incredibly cute, and he’s giddy at the prospect of going out with him. He tells his parents, who are both okay with him being bisexual, that Alex’s older brother is driving them because he knows they won’t approve of Alex driving. Alex drives them to the movies, he’s got his own car and parents who aren’t around enough to care if he drives it by himself even though he only has a learner’s permit.

They hold hands during the film and share popcorn and a drink. The movie is good, but Dan has to admit he spends most of his time watching Alex, and when it’s over Dan can’t stop smiling. Alex drops him off at home around eleven, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before he takes off, and Dan goes straight to his room to surf the internet. Fifteen minutes later, he has a new text message and he and Alex stay up until three in the morning texting each other.

On their fifth date, the third as official boyfriends, Alex and he drive out to an empty field where they park the car. The night is warm so the two of them lay back on the hood of the car, watching the stars as they bask in the comfort they bring each other. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Alex kisses him.

This isn’t their first kiss, but something about it seems different than the others they’ve shared. Dan’s had a few kisses here and there with other people, both with guys and girls, since his first one with Anna but none of them have ever felt like this. Dan’s not sure what it is about Alex, maybe it’s the fact that he really, really, likes him, but he loves kissing him. Alex’s lips are soft and feel good against his, Dan doesn’t even mind when he slips in a little bit of tongue, and, unlike every kiss he's had before, he finds it very pleasurable.

They make out for a while before Alex’s hands start to explore more of Dan’s body. He’s okay with his hands touching his chest, Alex’s cold fingers feel weird in a good way against Dan’s warm chest, but when he starts to drift a little lower Dan clams up.

Alex can tell that something is wrong right away so he stops and looks worriedly at his boyfriend. “I,” Dan says, terrified of what Alex might say if Dan tells him he’s not okay with sexual touches. He finally settles with, “I’m not comfortable with that yet, can we just stay above the belt?” and hopes that Alex is understanding.

“Okay,” Alex says, not seeming the least bit annoyed that Dan isn’t comfortable with any obviously sexual advances. Alex goes back to kissing him, keeping all of his touches above the waist, and Dan’s never felt more content anywhere in his life. He finds that he really, really, likes kissing Alex.

Six months into their relationship, Alex announces he wants to try something different. Dan’s nervous at first, even though he truly loves Alex he’s still not sure if he wants anything more than what they have right now, but he agrees to at least try it out. Alex puts up with so many of Dan’s problems, the least he can do is try to do something nice to repay him for everything he does for him. Alex tells Dan what he wants to do involves privacy, so the two of them wait until they have a chance to be alone before they do anything.

One weekend, shortly after Alex's announcement, Alex’s parents decide to take off for Switzerland and leave him at home by himself. Alex tries to hide the hurt on his face while Dan tries to hide the anger he feels and they both end up failing. They do this all the time, leave Alex behind while they jet around the world, and Dan hates them for it. Alex deserves better than those assholes, he deserves parents who actually give a damn about him. When Dan tells his parents about what had happened they agree to let Dan spend the weekend with Alex, they’re willing to sacrifice the slight possibility of the two of them having sex if it meant Alex wasn’t left all by himself.

He shows up at Alex’s house after school and the two of them play video games and eat pizza and just generally enjoy being in each other’s company. Hanging with Alex is the easiest thing Dan has ever done. Alex gets him, truly gets him, and he understands that Dan isn’t comfortable with all touch and sometimes can’t force himself to go outside and interact with the public. Alex understands Dan's anxiety, understands it better than even his own parents do sometimes, and is okay with his aversion to sex. He's honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

That night, after they watch the first Lord of the Rings movie, Alex pulls something out of his desk drawer. He looks incredibly nervous, like he isn’t sure how to bring something up, but Dan’s patient and waits until he’s ready. He comes and sits on the bed next to Dan, nervously flipping the DVD in his hand.

“I know you’re not ready for me to touch you,” Alex starts off, “and I’m okay with that, really. Don’t ever think that I’m not okay with it because I am. But I thought we could maybe try something different? Not touching each other, but like touching ourselves in the same room?”

Dan thinks for a second, not sure if he’d be okay with that or not. He’s tried masturbating once but he didn’t really care for it so he hasn’t done it since then. “I think that’d be okay,” Dan says after a few seconds. “I don’t masturbate, but I think I’d like to see you do it.”

“Really?” Alex asks, beaming, and Dan knows that smile of his is bright enough to make him do anything.

“Yeah babe,” Dan says with a smile, “of course.”

“If at any point you feel uncomfortable, just tell me okay?” Alex says, tone absolutely serious. “I know you sometimes lie about what you’re comfortable with because you feel like you owe me something, but you don’t Dan. I love you, this is about you being comfortable okay? We’ll stop the second you don’t want to go further.”

Dan nods and sits back on the bed while Alex puts in the DVD. Dan’s not really into sexual intimacy and Alex understands that. He knows it has to be difficult, no matter how many times Alex assures him that it isn’t, to be with someone who doesn’t like sex. The least he can do for him is this.

Alex pushes play and then settles himself beside Dan, a few feet away from him. Dan’s watched porn once, but like masturbation he hadn’t cared for it and never watched it again. Alex’s eyes are trained on the TV in front of them and Dan decides he should probably follow suit. The film shows a few minutes of some awkward, obviously rehearsed, dialogue between two very attractive men before they start stripping and get to the actual sex.

Dan loses interest in the film pretty early on, he doesn’t understand why porn is so entertaining to people, and instead focuses on Alex. His breathing gets pretty heavy as his hand slowly jacks his dick, something that Dan finds incredibly interesting, and Dan finds himself entranced in what Alex is doing to himself. He’s always found Alex infinitely more interesting than pretty much everyone else on earth, and for some reason watching him masturbate is oddly pleasing. He can't touch himself, he can't watch other people touch themselves, but he's got a thing for Alex touching himself? Dan will never understand what goes through his head.

After about fifteen minutes, Alex's hand starts to move faster along his shaft. Dan watches his hand move, notices the way it twists slightly at the top, and for some reason he can't really stop his focus. It isn’t long before Alex is cuming with Dan’s name on his lips, and holy shit if that isn’t the hottest thing he’s ever seen.

Alex cleans himself up quickly and switches the TV to an old episode of Buffy before he climbs back into bed with him. “You were watching me the entire time,” Alex says softly once he's comfortable, curling into Dan’s chest.

Dan wraps his arms tightly around Alex and lets himself fully relax against him, pressing his lips gently to the top of his head. Cuddling with Alex is definitely on his list of top five favorite things to do. “Yeah," Dan says, a little self-conscious, "you’re so much more interesting than porn.”

Alex blushes and hides his face in Dan’s chest, shaking his head with a soft laugh. “So porn’s not your thing, but that was okay?” he asks, starting to feel slightly self-conscious.

“Yeah,” Dan says. “I didn’t care for porn, I find it boring if I'm being honest, but watching you masturbate was kind of hot. I still don’t want to be touched, but maybe next time I could help you out.”

The moan that Alex tries to repress, but ultimately fails at doing, tells him everything he needs to know about Alex’s opinion on that.

He’s not broken, just not into porn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


	3. Susan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references attempted rape and if that may be triggering for you, please refrain from reading this.

Dan’s nearly seventeen when he’s at a party one of his friends is throwing. He’s never liked parties, hadn’t wanted to go to this one in the slightest, but his friend had convinced him it wouldn’t be the same without him so he had reluctantly decided to go. Besides, he could use a little cheering up. It’s been a few weeks since he and Alex had broken up, they dated for almost two years before they were forced to break up when his parents announced they were moving overseas. They had tried to do the online dating thing but it’s difficult when you live thousands of miles away and they both have no sense agreed they’re much better off as just friends, though that doesn’t stop the pain he feels.

Three hours into the party and he’s drunk off his ass, absolutely plastered, and can barely speak a coherent sentence without slurring his words. He’d shown up with Anna but amongst the commotion they had managed to lose track of each other. He’s not entirely sure how he had gotten this drunk, he never drinks like this, but every time he tries to remember where he had even gotten the drink in his hand his head starts to hurt so he decided to just forget about it.

He’s on the couch in the den, talking to a girl who’s the cousin of his friend throwing the party. They’ve been talking for almost an hour and Dan has to admit he’s starting to really like her. The girl, he thinks her name is Susan but he’s honestly so hammered he’s surprised he even knows his own name, is absolutely gorgeous with blonde hair and blue eyes. She’s someone who looks flawless without having to put any effort into it, with curves and breasts any straight guy would die to sink their hands into. She’s a catch, Dan can recognize this, and she’s fun to talk to. It's not until weeks later that he finds out Susan is over eight years older than him, was supposed to be the chaperon for the party, and had a thing for underaged guys.

The conversation seems to be going great, they’re really hitting it off, until things take a turn for the worst. Dan thought she may have been giving him signals that she wants to do more than just talk, but he had promptly ignored them. Partly because he’s drunker than he’s ever been and still isn’t quite convinced he’ll ever “bloom.” He’s sixteen for Christ’s sake, if he hasn’t felt sexual attraction by now he doesn’t know if he ever will.

Eventually she gets tired of waiting for him to make a move and takes matters into her own hands, quite literally. It starts with a hand on his thigh, not doing anything but resting there, and Dan starts to get really uncomfortable. He tries to shift away from her slightly, casually brushing her hand away from his lower half, but she always moves her hand back in place. He doesn’t want to do this right now but he’s incredibly socially awkward and he doesn’t know how to say “please get your hand away from my dick” in an acceptable manor.

Dan’s heart is in his stomach and he swallows painfully, trying to keep his cool. He’s uncomfortable, something that can clearly be sensed by anyone willing to pay attention to him, and Susan should have stopped because of it a long time ago. Either she’s too stupid to realize just how uncomfortable he actually is or she just doesn’t care, Dan thinks it might be the ladder one.

It’s not long before the hand on his thigh starts to move upwards, slowly inching his way towards his dick. He wants to say no, please get away from me, but he can’t seem to get his mouth to say what he’s thinking. Her hand rests on his bulge and Dan’s hips jerk away in disgust. Only Susan doesn’t see it as disgust, she sees it as encouragement, and Dan’s never felt so uncomfortable in his life.

“Come on,” she whispers in his ear, hot breath tickling his cold skin, and Dan shivers violently. He’s scared and he really doesn’t want to go anywhere with Susan but his body seems to be incapable of saying no. She takes his arm and leads him up the stairs and to an empty bedroom. “This is the room I stay at when I visit, we won’t be bothered here.”

Dan tries to pull against her arm, but his actions are weak and he’s finding it hard just to stay upright. Susan takes advantage of his inability to move and pushes him back down onto the bed. He’s not sure if she understands just how unwilling he is right now, but that doesn’t matter. Without a clear sign of consent, she shouldn’t have been doing any of this right now. He knows he’s a guy, and some people see consent differently when it comes to them, but Dan doesn’t think men should be treated any differently when it comes to this.

“Don’t worry baby,” Susan says, stripping off her shirt and skinny jeans leaving her in nothing but a purple thong. Her body does absolutely nothing for Dan, though he can admit most people wouldn’t be able to resist that, and he’d much rather her just put some more clothes on and help him find Anna so he can go home. “I’ll do all the work.”

Dan’s mouth is so dry it actually hurts and he can’t seem to make any of his muscles work. He tries to say no, get away from me, but it just comes out as a disgruntled groan that Susan apparently takes for attraction. “Oh you like that? Like when someone else takes control? Then this is going to be so good for you, pet.”

Dan is starting to have problems registering the words that are coming out of her mouth, they all just sort of jumble together, but he definitely registers her hand unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock.

“Not even hard for me?” Susan says, pouting slightly. Dan figures she should take that as offensive or a sign that what’s about to happen is not consensual but instead she takes an entirely different approach. She likes it. “That’s okay, I like a challenge.”

She pulls down his jeans so his dick is fully exposed and wraps a hand around his flaccid member, scratching her manicured nails along the shaft. He figures some people might be in to that, but not him. After a few strokes she puts her mouth on the head and sucks. At that point Dan is beyond done with everything she’s doing. It doesn’t feel nice, it feels cold and wet and unbelievably awkward and uncomfortable, and he doesn’t like it in the slightest. He’s scared and vulnerable and he just wants her to stop.

He bucks his hips, trying to get her to get off of him, but she just takes that as a sign he wants her to go further. She holds his hips down against the bed with one arm, keeping him in place, and begins to bob her head down his shaft.

That’s the last straw for Dan as indescribable panic overcomes him. He’s not okay with this and if Susan doesn’t get the hell away from him she’s going to trigger an unstoppable panic attack. “Stop,” he manages to say finally, voice squeaky as fear overcomes him. "Pl'se."

“Excuse me,” Susan says, narrowing her eyes at Dan like he’s just committed the worst offense. “What did you say?”

“I sa’d stop,” Dan struggles to say, trying to get his drunk thoughts into words that are actual coherent. “Please. I’m, m’not, jus’ stop.”

“Are you kidding me?” she says, sitting up in bed. Her voice is loud and angry and it hurts his head. “Who’d give up this, huh?” She gestures towards her body and Dan’s vision blurs for a second, exactly how much had he drunk tonight, before it focuses on her naked body again. He still feels nothing.

“s’not you,” Dan says, because it’s really, really, not. It’s all him, everything is all him and his stupid broken body. He should be wanting her right now, everyone says guys always want sex, and having a hot older woman offer to take control should turn him on. But it doesn’t, it just makes him sick and he wants to go home.

“Don’t give me that spiel,” Susan says, crossing her arms. Suddenly she seems angry, incredibly angry, and Dan just wants to curl away from her voice. Doesn’t she understand he doesn’t want this? Why is this suddenly all his fault? “I can’t believe I wasted almost the entire night flirting with and getting a faggot drunk.”

It’s at that moment that Anna walks in and all Dan can do is breathe a sigh of relief. Anna knows him, Anna knows how he feels about sex, she’ll make Susan understand so she’s not mad at him anymore.

“Dan are you-” she starts to say, narrowing her eyes when she hears the last part of Susan’s sentence and is met with the situation at hand. “What’s going on here?”

Anna isn’t an easy person to piss off, but when someone happens to piss her off it’s easy to tell. And Anna is pissed off. Dan briefly wonders if Anna is mad at him, at the fact that he couldn’t make himself have sex with Susan, before he has to switch his focus to not throwing up as a wave of nausea comes over him.

“The fucking faggot can’t get it up,” Susan says, quickly pulling on her clothes before heading out the door. “It’s still early, maybe I can still find someone to fuck.” That last part is said under her breath when she’s almost completely out of the door and Dan’s sure neither one of them were meant to hear it but they both do.

“What happened?” Anna says, rushing to Dan’s side once she’s gone. “Someone said they saw you coming up here with some chick, I know how you feel about sex so I got a little worried. Are you okay?”

Dan doesn’t even know where to begin, and right now he can't control what he's about to do. He bends over the side of the bed and promptly throws up, alcohol in his stomach burning as it comes up. "What the fuck did she do to you," Anna says, not expecting an answer, rubbing Dan's back as she makes sure Dan's hair is out of his face so he doesn't get vomit in it. 

He's not really sure what she means by that, after all he was the one who refused to have sex with her, though the situation had done wonders to sober him up slightly and it’s getting easier for him to move and think more coherently. Suddenly he realizes his pants are still pulled down some and he awkwardly pulls them, blushing slightly. His head is still fuzzy and his limbs are heavy, but it’s honestly easier to move and speak now. “s’wrong with me?” Dan says, words still slurred slightly, looking up at Anna.

“I don’t -” Anna starts, only to be cut off by Dan.

“She’s beautiful, I see that, and any other guy would jump at the chance to sleep with her. But I couldn’t do it, why am I so fucked up?” Dan asks, trying to shake all the fuzziness out of his head. His words are slurred, jumbled together in a giant mixture of sounds, but Anna’s known him for over ten years and can understand exactly what he’s trying to say.

“Dan,” Anna says, brushing a sweaty strand of hair out of his eyes. “She got you drunk and tried to rape you, not wanting to have sex with her because of that doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. Nothing that just happened to you was okay, and it’s okay to not want her.”

Suddenly an overwhelming sense of disgust overcomes him and Dan breaks down into tears, letting Anna pull him into her chest. He comes apart in Anna’s arms and he tries not to feel embarrassed about what had just happened. He tells himself that Anna’s right, of course she is because Anna is always right. It’s not the idea of sex that’s repulsive to him, it’s just the alcohol and situation that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, that’s right.

He’s not broken, just drunk.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


	4. David

Dan’s in university the first time he actually has sex with someone. He’s been dating this guy for a few weeks and from their first date he’s been pressured into having sex with him, though he knows David would back off the first time that Dan asked him to. Dan’s a few years younger than him, he’s never been away from home, and all he wants to do is fit in with everyone else at Uni. His roommates all have sex multiple times a week, sometimes with the same person and sometimes with different people, and Dan is just really tired of feeling left out. He wants to be like everyone else, experience sexual attraction like everyone else, and he feels like it's time his head caught up with what he wants his body to do.

Dan's boyfriend, David, is smart and he’s funny and he’s incredibly attractive. Dan figures, why not try it out? He’s going to need to get over his sex aversion sooner or later if he wants to keep a boyfriend, or girlfriend though Dan thinks he might prefer boys over girls. Not everyone is as understanding as Alex and Anna are and he might as well just force himself into liking it. That's not a bad thing, right?

After a few weeks of dating Dan finally agrees to have sex with David, something he lets him know ahead of time so he can make all the preparations. Because fuck, Dan doesn't know the first thing about sex. The two of them set up a date and Dan catches a taxi to David's apartment, overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Right off the bat there’s quite a bit of alcohol involved and Dan becomes easily compliant in a matter of minutes. They start with heavy making out, which Dan has always been a fan of, and eventually it morphs into stripping until they’re both naked on his couch. Dan decides right away he doesn't like the idea of being naked in front of someone else, Alex had never even seen him naked and the two of them had dated for nearly two years, but he doesn't tell David that and tries to keep himself from covering his junk with his hands.

Dan has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing, but thankfully David had already prepared for that. He has condoms and lube and has already prepped himself, which makes the situation a lot easier for Dan to handle, and is definitely eager to get the show on the road. David gently pushes Dan back down on the couch and climbs on top of him, making Dan feel trapped with no way out. He doesn’t like where this is going and he almost says no, but David looks so turned on right now Dan doesn’t have the heart to tell him to stop.

David runs his hands over Dan's cock and oh, even though he doesn't really feel anything, he can apparently get semi-hard. "You sure you want to do this?" David asks, looking down at Dan, and Dan just nods his head. It's now or never and he just really wants to get this over with. Besides, if he can get semi-hard that must mean he wants this. Right?

David does all the work, which Dan is grateful for because once the actual intercourse starts Dan knows for sure he'd be absolutely worthless. He rides Dan quick and hard, so lost in the sensations he's feeling that he doesn't realize that Dan spends the enter encounter with his eyes squeezed shut trying to block out the sensations. His cock might be slightly interested, but Dan definitely is not. He doesn’t like this, all he feels is a sense of boring numbness, and he just wants it to be over as quick as possible. Dan’s not sure how long it goes on for, he'd started reciting all of the Pokémon he can think of about three minutes into the encounter, but eventually David cums and stops riding him. Some of it lands on his chest and Dan has to fight back the urge to scrub it away.

David smiles as he pulls off of him, either two drunk or high off of the pleasure he's feeling right now to notice that Dan hasn’t came yet, and Dan tries to act like he enjoyed what had just happened when really he wants to crawl out of his skin. David cleans them both up and then curls up next to Dan. “That was great babe,” he says, yawning heavily, before he promptly falls asleep.

Dan waits until he’s sure David is fast asleep before he carefully crawls out from underneath him and heads out the front door. He knows it’s probably a dick move but right now he needs to get home and try and deal with everything that’s running through his head.

When the taxi drops him outside of his dorm Dan runs inside. He locks himself in the bathroom and quickly strips off all his clothes before getting inside the shower. He sits in the tub, letting the water smooth away all the grossness he’s feeling, as he tries to contemplate what was wrong with him. His body is obviously broken, David is fucking hot as hell and Dan’s really into him. He should want to have sex with him, but his body doesn’t feel anything sexual towards him and his mind can't seem to find sexual acts pleasurable. Why does he have to be so fucking weird?

He sits like that, contemplating what had just happened to him, for an hour before he decides he better get out. The water has long sense gone cold by the time Dan gets out of the shower and trudges back into his room. He throws on some pajama bottoms before he climbs into bed, unable to get what he has started calling _the encounter_  out of his head. He’s not sure what time it is but right now he needs to talk, and there’s only one person he still keeps contact with that would be willing to listen to him at this hour.

“Dan,” Anna says, voice sounding every bit as tired as Dan feels, when she finally answers the phone. “Why are you calling me at two in the morning?”

“I had consensual sex and I didn’t like it,” Dan blurts out, before she can say anything else, and the pause on the other side of the line makes Dan’s heart pound hard in his chest. He feels the need to add that consensual part, because, even though he didn’t really like it, what he did with David was 100% consensual, so that Anna understands this isn't another Susan situation.

“Oh,” Anna says, slightly confused, as she tries to understand what’s going on.

Before Anna can say anything else, Dan continues. “I don’t get it, I like David. He’s attractive, he’s fun, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t experience sexual attraction for him. I don’t want to have sex with him Anna, why am I so broken? I hate feeling like this, I just want to be normal."

“Oh Dan,” Anna says softly, “would you ever tell me I’m broken because I’m a lesbian? Or that I'm not normal because I don't feel sexual attraction for men?”

“Don't be ridiculous,” Dan says, squinting his eyes up at his ceiling. Why on earth would Anna think that makes her broken? That's not something she can help and just because she doesn't experience attraction like other people doesn't mean she's broken. “Just because you don’t find men attractive doesn’t mean you’re broken, that’s just who you are, and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.”

Anna laughs, Dan's always been overly protective of her and he reacts quite strongly to anyone who thinks badly about her. “Exactly, that’s just what I’m attracted too. It doesn’t make me broken because I don’t like men, so why on earth would you think not liking sex makes you broken?”

And oh, Dan gets what Anna is trying to say now. His reaction to her saying she's broken because she's a lesbian is basically the same as her reaction to him thinking he's broken because he's doesn't experience sexual attraction like everyone else. He’s never thought about it like that before, but with everyone telling him it’s not normal to not like sex he’s never thought that it might be okay. “But that’s -” Dan starts, only to be cut off by Anna.

“That’s just the same thing, Dan, same song different verse. It doesn't have different ramifications, it's the exact same concept just applied to a different situation." Anna's quiet for a second, seemingly contemplating something, before she continues. "Have you ever heard of asexuality?” Anna asks.

“You mean that thing plants do?” Dan asks, not sure what reproducing with yourself has to do with not liking sex

“No babe,” Anna says, hiding a laugh behind her hand. “It’s something I came across twelfth year when I had to do that project on sexuality for Johnson's sex ed class. I’ve expected you might be asexual ever since then, but the spectrum is so large and confusing I didn't want to influence your already confusing thoughts. I’ve been waiting until the time to broach the subject and I think you really need to look into it, I hate hearing you talk about yourself like there's something broken inside of you."

"Oh," Dan says, still not able to get the image of plants out of his head, slightly confused.

"I’m gonna send you a bunch of links," Anna says, signaling it's gonna be the end of this two a.m. phone call fairly soon. "I need you to read through them and tell me what you think.”

“Okay?” Dan says, posing his statement like a question because he’s still not entirely sure what Anna is talking about.

They hang up and a few seconds later Dan’s phone pings a few times, indicating he has new messages from Anna. He clicks on the first one, a link that leads him to a Wikipedia page, and starts reading through the information. ‘Asexuality,' the website reads, 'is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity.’ That sentence explains Dan’s feelings so much he gets nervous and exits out of the browser completely. That could be him, couldn’t it?

It takes him a few seconds to get up the courage to continue his research, suddenly having a word that may or may not describe him is a little disorienting. Instead of opening up Wiki again, Dan opens the next link. This one seems to be more legit, teachers have always said that .org websites have much more reliable information, so Dan clicks on the hyperlink which leads him to _The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network_ (abbreviated as AVEN).

The first paragraph seems to be like what he had read on Wikipedia so he skims through that and continues on to where they start talking about relationships. ‘Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships.’

Once Dan starts reading, he can’t get enough of it. That short paragraph seems to sum up everything he's been feeling his entire life. He spends the next two hours, something he knows he’s going to end up regretting, researching as much as he possibly can about this sexuality. The more he learns, the more he understands something. He’s not broken, it’s okay for him to not experience sexual attraction the way others do, and he isn’t alone. If he had to label what he believes he is after doing some research, which he absolutely hates doing, it seems like he's an asexual biromantic. 

It’s a little after four in the morning when Dan decides he needs to stop. His head is swimming with all this newfound knowledge and he knows he needs to process it before his head actually explodes. Before he tries to sleep Dan opens up a new text message, intent on texting Anna. He isn’t sure what he should say, in one text she gave him the ability to validate his biggest fear and there’s no way he’ll ever be able to thank her. He settles on a simple “thank you” for now, making a mental note to call her tomorrow so they can talk about what he had discovered in depth.

He sets his phone aside and closes his eyes, content with his sexuality for the first time in his life.

He’s not broken, just different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


	5. A Series of Asshole Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a brief mention of attempted rape, if that may trigger you please refrain from reading.

After his sexuality enlightenment, Dan has a bout of really bad relationships. None of them seem to understand him and how he feels, to obsessed with getting some to really look beyond that, and generally think him being asexual is nothing but a fluke. He thinks telling his friends is a safe bet, but that just leads to them thinking he’s weird for not liking sex. He’s been told, by both prospective boyfriends/girlfriends and his friends, that he’s broken, that he just hasn’t fucked the right person, that he must of have been molested when he was younger, that he should just push his feelings aside and have sex anyway or he’s never going to be able to keep a partner.

One girl, who is studying Psychology at the university he’s attending, went so far as to say he’s probably suppressing a negative sexual encounter from when he was too young to remember. She asked about his family, about how close he is to his parents, and just generally tried to psychoanalyze him. This was all based on a lecture she had attended where the professor had convinced the entire class that asexuality was just a defense mechanism to cover up negative memories.

Another guy, someone he met randomly at a club and thought it’d be a good idea to tell he’s asexual right off the bat, decided that Dan just hadn’t been exposed to the right kind of cock yet. Dan had gotten away from him quickly, afraid of what he might try to do to him, though he had somehow ended up following him into the bathroom. He doesn’t want to think about what might have happened to him if the guy that came in after hadn’t gotten Dan away from the creep quickly.

Needless to say, none of his relationships lasted long, and, even though Dan knows he wasn’t molested as a kid, he’s beginning to wonder if what people have been saying about him are true. If it was just one person, Dan would find it easier to believe the notion that he's not broken. But when everyone he tells has similar reactions?

Maybe he is broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


	6. Phil

Dan meets Phil during a really low point of his second year of university. He’s only eighteen, nearly nineteen, but he already regrets every decision he’s made so far. Everything is far too overwhelming, he feels like he’s drowning under the weight of his responsibility, and he can’t seem to find a good coping mechanism. Before he does something he'll seriously end up regretting, like hurt himself, he turns to the internet, something that has always given him comfort.

He starts off on Tumblr, liking and reblogging posts that tend to make him happy, and then makes his way to YouTube. There’s really no way to describe how comforting a funny YouTube video can be, but he feels infinitely better in a matter of minutes every time he plays a video from one of his favorite YouTubers.

It’s not long before he finds a YouTube channel called AmazingPhil and is instantly hooked. The guy is attractive, he develops a crush on him during the first video, and absolutely amazing (pun not intended but appreciated). He knows it’s pretty bad, he’s a college kid for God’s sake, but he stays up until four in the morning one night watching all of his videos in chronological order. He tweets him, comments on his videos, and generally just does whatever he can to get his attention. He’s trash, he knows this, but it makes him feel better about himself and honestly, what’s the harm in that?

A few weeks after he starts watching his videos, Phil actually interacts with him on twitter. The tweets are simple at first, then the get more personal and they move to talking through DM. Phil seems to understand Dan and doesn’t judge him, unlike everyone else he knows, when he says he’s not sure he wants to continue going to university anymore. It’s not long after that that they Skype for the first time and Dan can hardly believe that this actually worked out so well for him.

The first time that Dan sees Phil’s face, he almost passes out. His heart beats so hard in his chest and he can’t handle the fact that hey, Phil is actually on the other side of that screen. They talk for a long time, their conversation never reaches that boring stage where they struggle to find thing to talk about, and Dan’s sad when they’re forced to hang up.

After that first conversation, they continue to Skype regularly. By the second Skype call, Phil starts flirting with Dan hardcore and Dan can’t help but reciprocate it. He really likes Phil, and this isn’t just a fanboy crush on him. The more he talks to Phil, the more he starts to love him as a person, and it’s not long before the two of them are talking about the prospect of dating.

They don’t actually date though, Phil, gentleman that he is, says he wants to wait to ask him in person, but Dan likes to think that they’re basically dating. The flirt nonstop and Phil always talks about the adorable things that Dan does, making him blush redder than a tomato, and often refers to him as babe (though considering him and Anna have been calling each other babe since they were fourteen, that isn’t much of an indicator).

Dan counts down the days until he can actually meet him, and when that day arrives he’s nothing but a nervous ball of energy as he waits for Phil at the train station. Dan can’t stop the smile that forms on his face when he sees Phil for the first time, something that’s only egged on by Phil’s bright smile. Once their close enough to touch Phil presses their lips together, making Dan’s cheeks go hot, and follows that bold display of affection by asking him to be his boyfriend all in a matter of seconds. Of course, Dan says yes.

They spend the day together, enjoying each other’s company, and Dan never wants it to end. Later on Phil tells Dan he had actually planned out a romantic way of asking him to be his boyfriend, but had gotten ahead of himself when he first saw Dan for the first time and accidentally blurted it out ahead of schedule. Dan thinks it’s too adorable.

Their relationship continues on like that, with Skype calls and short meetings in person. Dan would never be able to describe how lucky he is to have someone like Phil Lester in his life, he makes everything better just by breathing. There’s a lot of things he hates about being in a long distance relationship, mainly the fact that he can’t see Phil every day, but there is one plus side it. Sex.

They’ve made out pretty heavily, even rubbed against each other somewhat, but other than that they’ve never really done anything overtly sexual. With them living apart the topic of sex has never really come up, something Dan is incredibly grateful for. He’s had enough relationships go south after announcing he’s asexual and honestly, Dan doesn’t know what he would do if Phil reacted in a similar way. When they do get to meet up it’s either for incredibly short periods of time where sex is basically impossible or their days are so jam-packed with activities they’re both too tired to even think about having sex at the end of the day. If the topic happens to come up, which it has during a few Skype calls and one meet-up, Dan’s really good at coming up with excuses as to why he can’t.

A few months after their first meetup Phil announces to Dan he wants to move to Manchester over Skype. After a few minutes of Dan squealing because, holy fuck he’s going to live in the same city as him, Phil asks if he’d be interested in them moving in together. Dan’s mouth falls open, he’s in shock, and it only takes him a few seconds to announce that yes, of course he wants to move in with him. The smile that Phil flashes his way after Dan says that is enough to keep Dan happy for the rest of his life.

Dan and Phil move quickly, in less than a month they’ve procured a house and have started moving their things in. The first week is exhausting, Dan is still in school, though he has been neglecting a lot of it if he’s being honest with himself, and it seems like all they do is unpack and sleep. After the first week is over, things calm down and Dan and Phil are finally able to relax completely. Dan is incredibly happy for the first time in his life, and he owes that all to Phil.

But, like everything else in Dan’s life, eventually their happiness has to hit a snag. About a week after they move in, everything is unpacked and organized and they both feel like some sort of celebration. After all, they’re finally living in the same house and don’t have to worry about going weeks without seeing each other anymore.

They buy some cheap wine, order pizza, and put on a scary movie. Not even halfway through the movie the pizza and wine are gone and Dan’s feeling slightly buzzed, but in a good way. Phil has lost complete interest in the movie and instead turns so he’s facing Dan, leaning forward to catch his lips in a warm kiss. The two of them forget the movie entirely, each other’s mouths are much more interesting than the shitty murder scenes playing on their TV.

They go at it for a while, Dan’s feeling really good, before Phil’s hands start to wander. At first it’s okay, Phil spreads them across Dan’s stomach which only adds to the experience, but it’s not long before they start to wander a little further.

Dan tenses up immediately, trying to keep his body as relaxed as possible so as not to worry Phil. Somehow, in the midst of all the happiness he’s been feeling over the move, he had completely forgotten the fact that he still hasn’t told Phil he’s asexual. For a second he contemplates just letting Phil move his hands down further, he knows he loves Phil, more than he’s ever loved anyone, and thinks that he might be able to do go through with it. But, he knows Phil will never forgive himself if something goes wrong because Dan is too chicken shit to tell him he’s uncomfortable. He’d never forgive himself for making Phil feel like that.

Dan’s contemplation must not have been as subtle as he had been hoping for because only a few seconds later Phil is pulling away from him, regarding him with squinted eyes. Dan’s frozen, unable to move, and Phil looks absolutely confused. It breaks his heart.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks, pulling away from Dan quickly. “Did I do something wrong, I’m sorry. I know I screw things up often and I’m sure I did something wrong and I’m so so-”

Dan shuts Phil’s worried mumbling up the best way he knows how, a gentle kiss to the lips. “It’s not you,” Dan says, wincing at how corny he’s beginning to sound, “it’s me. I- I really need to tell you something Phil, and I know you’re going to be pissed that I’ve waited so long to tell you but you have to understand that I’m scared and I’m really bad at this and I’m afraid, okay, I’m fucking scared.”

“Hey,” Phil says softly, resting a hand on the side of Phil’s face. “Whatever it is, you can tell me okay? I’m always going to be here for you and I swear, no matter what it is, I will do whatever you need me to do. Okay? Don’t spare my feelings.”

 “I’m,” Dan says, not sure how to exactly come out with it. Eventually Dan decides he might as well just tell him like he makes all of his important announcements, blurting them out with no sense of control. “I’m asexual Phil.”

Dan is expecting confusion, disgust, maybe even a ten-minute explanation on how that’s impossible. What Dan is not expecting, and what Phil gives him, is acceptance.

“Oh,” Phil says, looking incredibly relieved. “Oh fuck, I thought you were about to break up with me. I was so scared, shit.”

“What?” Dan says, shocked at Phil’s reaction. “That’s all you have to say? I’m asexual Phil, meaning I don’t experience sexual attraction like most people do.

“Okay,” Phil says, smiling at him, and Dan has a feeling that he doesn’t understand exactly what this means. Why else would he be so okay with this?

“Do you know what this means?” Dan says, voice getting louder the more unstable he becomes. “I’m asexual, meaning I don’t like sex, meaning I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to have sex with you, meaning I’m a fucking mess inside. Why aren’t you claiming I’m broken, or confused, or that I must’ve been sexually abused, or telling me I just need the right cock in me, that you like a challenge. Why aren’t you-”

Dan’s cut off by the feeling of warm, strong, arms wrapping themselves around him and he’s met with the familiar scent of Phil’s shampoo. Phil's arms wrap around Dan tightly, holding him against his chest as he starts to whisper smoothly to him. Suddenly, all at once, Dan is crying again, sobbing in the arms of his boyfriend. Phil’s reaction doesn’t make sense to him, none of his relationships, besides maybe Alex, have ever taken his admission this well. “Why don’t you think I’m broken?”

Dan doesn’t realize he said that last part out loud until Phil is pulling away from him, wiping at his eyes softly with a sad smile on his face. Phil isn’t looking at him any differently than he has before and Dan doesn’t really understand what’s going on. He’d always hoped that Phil would take it this well, but he had never thought that he actually would.

“Why on earth would you think that not liking sex makes you broken?” Phil asks, stroking his hands up Dan's back. “Dan. Asexuality is a part of you, and nothing that is a part of you will ever be broken to me. This is just who you are, another thing that makes you Daniel Howell, and it doesn’t change the way I look at you. We’ll figure this out together, love, and I will always have your comfort at the top of my list. I love you.”

Dan lets Phil pull him completely into his lap, lets him wrap his arms around him tightly, and buries his face in his warm neck. He wants to cry but for an entirely different reason now. He wants to cry because finally, after all these years and people telling him different things, he understands.

He’s not broken, he’s just Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is largely based off of my own asexuality, though Dan's asexuality in this fic does differ from mine in some ways. The asexuality spectrum is a large and confusing compilation of various different degrees. If you have any questions or need any advice you can visit [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) or come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl).


End file.
